hello.
we all live in two worlds, the world of me and the world we live in. in the privacy of our world, we hear ourselves think and we see our faults, our vulnerabilities, our ugliness. and in the world, people see the expressions of our faces, the facades and the obligations to be kind, to be good, to be normal like everyone else..

i did a project for my final year in temasek about the weight of names in our lives. we carry the weight of responsibilities by the names we carry on ourselves: a 'leader', a 'president', a 'father'.. but have we ever spared a thought that we are all the same? the people we have so much expectancy and hope on, like our parents and our leaders, are only but children with names on them. we are all the children of someone and are but mere children with the weight of names on our lives. we, like children are scared and prone to mistakes.

once, a farmer was dubbed a commander-in-chief of a battalion. he was chosen by the high counselor of defense because he felt that this man had potential. his parents were so proud of him that they threw a party and celebrated his new title. everyone was excited about his new post. everyone but the farmer for he could feel the weight of this title... but the rest only saw what they chose to see. the farmer knew that he was not very bright and was only good at ploughing the fields with his buffalo. however he acknowledged that he had to listen to the counselor's bidding; reluctance to this post showed disrespect and he would not want that. he knew that his loved ones supported him and he told himself that was the important thing. he knew every thing that was right, but still, he could not feel the same way like everyone else. he couldn't help feeling alone because in his world, he knew he was not up to it. a disapproval or frown would be comforting for it would show him the reality of what he was feeling. but God was too kind and showered him with positive remarks and love. the farmer just didn't understand what he is getting himself into. but he went and took the post anyway.

sometimes, i feel that 'the Right' in our lives are so surrealistically alien. as you already know, i am a christian and being a christian, i do get myself surrounded by good words and encouragement most of the time (haha). but let me be frank about this - that i do feel a little lost at times because all this goodness does make you feel a little unreal. hearing the 'Right things' all the time is like this big wall that disallows you to feel that complexity of fear and confusion. it even makes me feel guilty to be human - to be insecure of my vulnerabilities.

but it is in the midst of these conflicting emotions that i have learnt a lesson of having faith in God - that feelings change all the time, but facts always stay the same. i am learning to make decisions based on facts and being confident about it. easier than it sounds. in faith, i can only believe that after i act on the facts, my feelings about my life ahead would change... in time, feeling 'Right' about it wouldn't matter much because that things will go well and what i have been hearing all this time was true afterall: everything will be fine, shawn. God is protecting you.

like what michelle said last week during cell group, "it is all or nothing."